Miss_M

Day 9099

Baby,

How are you doing? I wish I could see you just once. I just want to know you are okay. I feel like something is wrong with me. Something feels wrong. My heart beats so fast I feel like it might explode. I can't catch my breath and the pain on my left side is so overwhelming at times I just want to fall into a little ball and cry. But I won't. I can't give up right now. I want you to be proud of me and the way I live my life. I don't want to look back and see nothing good. I want to look back and be proud.

I was reminded of you today.

I held my little, tiny, perfect, niece in my arms today and it took everything inside me to not brake down and cry. I miss you. I smelled her soft skin and beautiful cheeks and wished with all my heart that it could have been you. My heart aches with the pain i feel over losing you. I think about you every day and my heart is broken everyday. I wish i could have held you and smelled you and kissed your soft baby skin. I miss you.

Blue Eyes

My Nephew Jack has the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. They are so bright blue it looks like you are looking into the sky on a cloudless sunny day. They are big and round and I imagine that when he looks at you it is like he is looking into your soul. How amazing to have eyes like that.

My father has blue eyes as well and his will change color depending on the mood he is in. Sometimes they are a steely blue that pierces deep into your mind and makes you feel all icky and sticky.

And sometimes they are warm and welcoming and for just one second you feel loved and accepted. Right off hand I can’t remember any other shades they change into but those two should keep you going for a while.

 

Snow Day

It snowed over the weekend and it is beautiful. The sun was shining today and the wind was blowing which resulted in a sparkely sky. I stood at my office window and just watched it blow in pure amazment at the beauty around me. I wish i could have captured it for you, I think you would have loved it.

Day 1

I never saw you, touched you, felt you.

I never got to see you smile, take your first step, take your first breath.

You were gone before i ever knew you.

I missed your first day on this earth, your first birthday, your first day at school, your first date.

At nights I dream of your soft skin, your warm breath, your smell.

I think of all the things we could have done together. The places we could have gone together, the people we would have met. I think about all the firsts. I dream about meeting you one day. I imagine what your face would look like, what your voice would sound like, how tall you would be. You would be beautiful because you were a part of me. A part I will never see. I ache for you. the pain i feel can not be replaced. For such a short time you were my all. I love you.

Life or something like it.

I am getting married. I am extremely exited about this, but at times i feel that almost no one else is. Of course my fiance is exicted and some of our close friends but everyone else seems to think i am headed down the path to divorse. This can be rather disheartening at times, but who can predict the furture. The man i am going to marry is someone i love with all my heart. from the first moment i saw him come rushing into the office in his white shirt, black pants, and black and grey tie i knew i loved him. I started measuring all other men by him.

I am eating baby apples from Traders Joes and Milk and Dark Chocolate covered almonds. Simply wonderful

Reflective Thinking

I have been reading a book latly called the art of keeping secrets. and i have come to the conclusion that i really like it. i of course am hooked and wish that i could stop going to work for one day till i am done reading it. but for some reason no matter how much i love a book i never give up sleep for it. i could stay up late every night for three nights in a row till it is done but i just dont like giving up my sleep. so anyways i made dinner last night of steamed vegtables, mashed potatoes, and Steak and then while my boyfriend ran into the office to put out a "fire" i currled up on the couch and read while VH1 played music videos in the back ground. i have to say i wish every night could be like that. i love to read and i love to watch music videos. after reading the book of course the only thing i want to do is read, smoke, and drink champagne. It would be the life.

Day 1900450

Last night as I lay down to go to sleep I thought that my sleeping arrangements were kind of funny. Let me describe them now.

First on the far left hand side of the bed is my boyfriend with his pillow. Then in the middle of the bed is me. Then taking up the right hand side of the bed and half of the middle is my cat with my pillow. He is big and white with black spots. His name is Goose and some times I call him Gustove just for the heck of it. He quite pisses me off on a regular basis and I plot his demise on a very regular basis. My plots go along the lines of

1. Skin him alive.

2. Poison him.

3. Tie him up on put him on the RR tracks.

4. And that is all.

I wish I was more creative and could come up with some beautiful way to humanly kill the bastard but at last I can not. My reasons for hating him and plotting his demise are as follows

1. He has a stinky butt

2. He pisses in my sink

3. He takes shits in my shower.

4. He puts his stinky butt in my face

5. He leaves his white hair all over everything in my house

6. He demands to drink cold water and would rather die of thirst then drink anything that is partially warm.

7. He gives himself boners all the time while sitting on my couch.

8. He is scared of everything that moves.

9. He pisses on leather

10. He doesn’t like to walk on grass therefore making him an inside cat.

11. I think that should be enough to convince you that I hate him will all my guts.

12. But no there is one more reason why I hate him and this is it. (I kind of love him to and that pisses me off because I don’t want to.)

13. Oh yes and one more thing he reminds me of myself minus the pissing in the sink and shitting in the shower.

Anyways on to other things, as I sit here at this computer writing away like my life depends on it is 6:07 PM on Friday September 5, 2008 and I am still at work. I am not going to do anything fun right now like going to some sporting event or going to see the Phantom of the Opera (it is in town right now) or going out to eat, or going bowling, or going home for that matter. But I don’t really care because I am going to go to the beach tomorrow which is one of my all time favorite places to spend time except when it is cold and rainy which is almost all the time in

Oregon

but I try to take advantage of the good days.

Today at work was one of those days were I worked all day and felt like I got nothing done. I mean really I don’t feel like I did anything. That is sad and I feel like I am going into my weekend rather blue.

As I sit here at my desk I can see out of the corner of my eye a blinking red light. This light is the thorn in my flesh. Every time I see this light I want to cry and I feel tired and I want to sit down at my desk chair and put my head in my arm and  cry. You might wonder what it is that makes me so upset well it is the light on my phone that says I have yet another voice mail. GOTO HELLYOUMOTHERFUCKINGSON’SO BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for that I just hate the people who call me at work everyday all day long. They know nothing but pretend to know everything and then get mad at you because you know to much and they don’t know as much as you so they feel jealous and threatened and feel the must make you pay for your knowledge and the will report you or call you names or yell at you if they must.

The Business

    The Business

In every business there are good aspects and bad aspects, good people and bad people, fun people and awful, negative, horrible, bastard like people. It doesn’t matter what business you are in there are always people that fit each category. There are also categories like fake, bitches, whores, people with sticks up their asses and well I think you get my drift, but the beautiful think about the business I work in is that I get to work with all of the above. On any given day I will answer the phone at least 100 times and any given day I will have to deal with all of the above characters. It never varies from day to day. People will call me irate over one thing or another and expect me to fix it. I can answer a lot of questions and fix a lot of problems but gosh give me a break I am not wonder woman and as much as I would like to walk over to Sam and put the phone up to his ear and force him to talk I can not do that. So I must smile and this is my line,

Me:     “Thank you for calling Sam’s

         this is Miss M, how may I

         help you?”

Person: “Yes is Sam there, I really

         need to talk to him this is

         an emergency.”

Me:    “I am sorry Sam is in a

         meeting right now, can I

         take a message?”

Person: “That is what you said last

  time. It is really

  important that I talk to

  you. I will just call

  back.”

  Me:      “ Ok well thank you for

            calling and have a great

            day.”

I would really like to just tell the person that when they call back I will still be here answering the phone and I will still give them the same response nothing is going to change between now and then just me I know, I do this all day long. About the third time they call their voices are heavy with frustration and there are several long pauses as they hope that their last threat of calling Sam’s boss or worse sinks in. I sit on the other line staring at my computer screen not listening to a single word they say because I know these are all empty threats and it doesn’t matter if they call Sam’s boss. He will tell them the same thing and he could care less what their little problems with Sam are. And quite frankly with the people who are calling Sam, I wouldn’t want to return their phone calls either. They are completely ignorant, stupid, naive, little creatures who do not know what leave a detailed message with your name, phone number and the reason for your call means. I get people who call back to back thinking that if I didn’t give them over to Sam the first time some how or other I will have changed my mind or the story will have changed and the second call they put in to our office, within 10 seconds of the first call will get them through. And then there are the people who think that if they call on a different number and cut me off before I have even said my greeting piece making it seem like a huge rush will some how get through to him. Gosh can you believe it? the stupidity of some people floors me. I sit at my desk some days and am so blown out of the water by them I just want to cry or scream or wish I had poison darts I could send through the phone lines.

But, I can not go on forever about the bad people because then there are some that fit into the fun, wonderful, good group as well. Like the ones who will talk to me and realize that what I am saying is going to be the same info that Sam will give them. And they are fine with that. Those people I love and I wish I could steal some of their positive energy and stuff it into the poison darts and send them through the phone lines to the people who are terrible.

 

But my days are not completely filled up with good and bad people and their problems. Every day I faithfully check both of my sister’s blog checking in with the hope that they will have posted something new and every once in a while they have and then I am so excited and my days are turned upside down with joy and everything just seems to run smoothly for some reason. And low and behold today was one of those days. My older sister, Nephthys, posted a new blog about a day at the beach with our mother for her 60^th birthday. It was so fantastic and I wanted to cry as I read it. I just couldn’t grasp how much love and tenderness and joy she put into her writing about our day. Thank you Nephthys for turning my day upside down in a really fantastic way. Now I have to go check my other sisters blog out, Amarantha is sure to have some interesting antidote about her son and the man she calls “Husband”  I love my family. ( Most of the time).